It is a over year since my last post and I wish I could report that I am doing better. But I am not. The major difference is that my health issues -- ironically immediately after I applied for disability-- have gotten much worse. At times I can hardly walk and stand up. My right hip-- which had been the strong one-- finally gave up and let me know it was tired of doing all the work, and is now bone-on-bone. I have Osteoarthritis in both hips and my lower back. On good days I can't really work, except for the barest minimum of tasks. On bad days, I cannot move.

Living with chronic pain is the hardest thing I have ever done. It makes emotional and psychological anguish seem like a cakewalk. I have heard that one can get used to it. I think I will lose my mind first if I have to keep going through such pain -- just to live everyday -- to go to the bathroom, cook some food, wash and dress myself. Forget about such important stuff as going to the bank, shopping for groceries, and going to the post office. And fun things are completely out of the question if they involve walking more that a few yards-- going to the movies alone, taking a class, going to the farmer's market. I was able to get a disability parking placard. What a game changer that was! I am so grateful to be able to park close by for some things and not have to walk forever. But I am still very limited in my abilities.

Unfortunately, my creative life is not as it could be as well. I have received a lot of encouragement from friends to pursue writing. I really want to, but when my heart is breaking most of the time, I feel as though I have nothing to offer anyone but sadness and bad news. I occasionally do some sketches and watercolors, and am always doing abstract drawings, but nothing really feels like art to me anymore. It feels like useless wasting of time when I should be looking for a job and a home. I try to keep a perspective, and I realize it is very difficult to create culture in the face of such dire circumstances.

Applying for federal disability is a long process. In October, it will be a year ago that I first applied. I have already been denied once. They say I can still work, therefore I am not disabled! I wish I could tell them I am working DESPITE being in chronic pain, and because I HAVE TO WORK TO SURVIVE! I have no one to support me, no family, spouse, children, friends, or support system. The legal firm helping me assures me they will continue to appeal. The appeal can take over six months. I also applied for state disability last week, but I am not too hopeful about this. I have not been working very much, so my award will probably be $50. I'll take anything I can get at this point.

I have a care giving situation now and am living with friends of friends, but have just been informed that I will have to leave. Not right away, but there is a timeline. And the clock is ticking. More stress.

My health decline actually coincided with the receiving of this information. Yep, stress is a big factor in my health. Fortunately, I am working with some practitioners who are helping me immensely and enabling me to stay mobile, to a certain extent, and work the barest minimum so I will be able to survive. Community acupuncture is the greatest invention known to humans, and I am so grateful for the healers at the Oakland Acupuncture Project for their dedication and care.

I was feeling pretty down last week, but in the midst of it all I had an epiphany: Do I really have it so bad? Haven't others had it worse? How about Frida Kahlo? Even though she was wealthy and could afford all those surgeries for the injuries she sustained in a childhood accident, she still was not ever made completely well by them, and was in pain and bedridden a lot of the time. Despite this, throughout her life, she still managed to make a lot of amazing art, much of it no doubt because she chose to place her focus on creating instead of feeling apathetic and suffering, and being a victim.

This is my world right now. There is pain, there is loss and anguish. But the choice is mine -- where do I choose to place my focus? Maybe I can turn away from the past and face the present-- regardless of the challenges-- with my creativity intact-- writing, painting, drawing-- seeking to connect with my world and my relationship to it in a new manner, despite the pain. Yes, this surely must be the way.