... and I might as well get it right out in the open at the start: I suffer from lifelong depression. This will definitely be a factor in my 'not painting'.
I have tried to make peace with this condition, but it is constantly showing me I still have much to learn about myself. People tell me I apologize too much. It is because I feel so badly about inflicting my form of personal dementia on them at any time. Some love me and some don't put up with me. I think I am difficult. I have other outstanding qualities, but one of them is not self-love.
As I struggle these days away considering my life's options, I am grateful for the chance to explore the multidimensional aspects of my life at this time. I have been trying in my own way to express what I am experiencing in my drawings and writing. My latest journal is an 11 x 14" drawing sketchbook with completely blank pages. I was hesitant at first to use a blank page for text. I guess I was afraid of revealing too much through my changing handwriting and sloppiness. Well, something shifted, and I have been happily using it for about three weeks, enjoying the new freedom of the blank page. I just remembered-- it started the day I was fired.
Today I am attempting to work on the drawing I was finishing when I realized (psychically) that something was very wrong at work. On the night before I was fired, I was drawing busily, somewhat distracted by the fact that my boss had rushed out without checking in as she usually did. I had been musing on it as I worked.
At about 11:30, I had a very grave and dark feeling. I knew that they would be doing something to me at work the next day but I did not know what. I thought that they could be firing me, but I was not sure... all of this went into the psychic content of the drawing. After I had this realization and feeling, I could no longer work on the drawing at all. As I tried to work on it in past days, I would feel these feelings all over again.
It is only today, after nearly three weeks, that I feel strong enough to face it again and revise and continue. It is what must be done now, before anything else.
Since I have been a bit depressed over the past couple of weeks, I haven't been out much. I don't have an art related recommendation, but since this is the time of the Perseid Meteor shower in the Northern Hemisphere, I recommend getting away from city lights so you can see this amazing spectacle. Nature is the best artist, anyway.
http://www.abcnews.go.com/Technology/story?id=8301535&page=1
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